My father was not perfect either and now that I am a parent I see how hard it is. I am a big believer in letting go…your parents are human and your Dad really didn’t mean to hurt you. He loves you! This is not really about him, it is about you. I think it would be helpful for you to paint or draw at home or pick up a hobby that fills the void that you are feeling. I feel so bad for you but YOU are in control not anything else. You have a great life(some of us dream of working for a mag. and going to parties) Find your passion! I think it is time that you stop focusing on the weight and start looking inside at what you want to be. A good way to do this is thinking of how you would like to be remembered if you passed. You don’t want people to think of you as being comsumed with your weight. You wanted to be healthy and it seems as of now–the last pic. I saw– you are. I try to start my mornings (though hard with two kids) thankful for the life that I have been givin. I may not be a size 8 or even 10 for that matter but I take a deep breath and just thank God I am alive. I think you will find that when you open yourself up, get your eyes off the labels at the groc. store, and pick your head up when your walking down or running down the street you will find just what you are searching for.
Other additional Comments here:
This is a very interesting topic and one that I totally agree with. My mother is a great baker and cook and she typically used food as a way to show her love. I’ve figured that the only way she felt worth was when she would make us ALL this phenomenal food and we would enjoy it. So I feel like my relationship with food is different in terms of the fact that I enjoy it and like feeling good when I eat it. I’m a size 10 but I can see how later this can get out of control.
A friend of mine was always heavier growing up and came from a heavy family. She suffered through Weight Watchers with her mother and then afterwards her mother would treat her to DAIRY QUEEN!!! Talk about mixed signals!!! A year ago my friend, after many years of failed dieting, struggles with eating disorders, etc, decided to get gastric bypass but they didn’t let her do it UNTIL she identified what in her childhood caused her food issues. Can you guess what it was?
So I guess I’m saying, parents aren’t perfect and some of the things they do may screw you up but if you recognize it you may be able to overcome it.
I come from a family where weight is a major issue on my mother’s side; being Italian they seem to be pre-disposed to bigger hips and butts and all the women on my mom’s side have them, including me. I grew up eating all the wrong food because that’s what my Mom fed us. She had weight issues too, of course, and periodically Weight Watchers was the cure all (never completely). In fact, my older sister (by 16 yrs)took me to my first meeting when I was ten. She also told my mother that I should wear a girdle so I could wear shorts in the summer and not look too fat. How’s that for a self esteem booster. When I look back at the few pictures of me then, I wasn’t really all that huge for my age, but it certainly left an impression. My sister is now 63, and in very poor health due to being anorexic. Most of the family believes that she is bulimic, but it is never discussed. But in her mind, because she’s thin (actually rail skinny and extremely sickly looking) she’s acceptable and everything is ok. Being thin is what really matters. It’s no wonder I’ve battled weight/food issues my whole life.
Even though I’m a size 4 now, I still have body issues. I’m short- only 5’2, so being a size 4 is a healthy size for me. However, I always freak out when I gain 5 pounds and I think this is due to my body issues.
Growing up in the Asian culture means that everything revolves around food. My mom puts alot of her self worth in how great of a cook she is. Whenever we have family gatherings, food is always abundant. If you don’t eat till your absolutely stuffed, it is considered a slight to the host. So I’ve always had to habit of eating A LOT when celebrating, happy…ect. When I’m sad, I eat alot to make me happier. Needless to say, I was a chubby kid growing up. My parents would always tell me to eat less. My parents are firm believers of telling it like it is. My mom once told me I had a balloon face (it was meant as a joke- but I was quite offended). ALthough I know they were trying to get me to be healthier, it made me really self conscious.
The summer before middle school, I decided I need to loose weight. I put myself on a diet and lost about 15 pounds. In middle school and highschool I was around a size 0-2. In college, a gained a bit of weight and some curves so I’m happy with my size 4. Still though, I find myself freaking out whenever I see the pounds start creeping up.
I can’t blame my parents. They always told me I was too thin. The food my mother fed us was extremely healthy. My parents have never made me feel self-conscious about how I look.
My issues come from the torture years of childhood, middle school. I was really thin as a kid. Between 7th and 8th grade, puberty hit and I gained about 25 lbs. in a year. For me that meant going from being 5′ 7″ and 101 lbs. to 5′ 8″ and 126 lbs. Needless to say, I was hardly obese or even fat. I wasn’t popular and I was picked on a lot. I remember my snotty classmates telling me how fat I was all the time and that I supposedly had a huge jiggly behind. My sister, who was popular and was highly embarassed by the fact that I wasn’t, joined in. She was even better at it because being my sister, she knew everything I was sensitive about and could inflict more pain than my classmates. It didn’t improve in high school. Most of my friends were heavier than I was, but I was flat chested so they had a good time picking on me for it. Years later when I was pregnant with my son, my supposed best friend from high school’s only comment was “Well, obviously you’ll have to bottle feed your baby.” Nice huh? The funny thing through all of this is that I never actually was fat. The most I ever weighed in high school was 140lbs. but I was 5′ 9″ so that isn’t overweight. It didn’t prevent me from having body issues for years. It took me until I was around 35 to finally accept my body and to stop trying to diet all the time. I still have “fat” days and my sister (who honestly can still be a total b*tch if she wants to be) still makes comments about my weight but for the most part I’ve learned to be happy with myself.